If I Were President

Although I have no actual desire to get involved in politics, I often imagine what I’d do if I were President. To that end, I’ve assembled a psuedo-platform to outline the key points of how I’d handle things if I were elected.

I’d tackle the whole exportation of jobs issues immediately. I’d radically slash the number of H1B visas granted each year, and I’d work closely with industry insiders to craft an incentive plan to keep jobs here instead of moving them overseas. One idea I’ve had is to levy tax penalties to companies that ship jobs overseas along with tax breaks to companies that stay below a certain percentage of foreign employees. Part of their reasoning is that the cost of business is less for them to move jobs away from Americans and give them to other countries, so let’s make it painful for them to do so and economically beneficial to employ Americans.

I’d squash all of the crap about the legality or illegality of torturing war prisoners. Mistreatment of prisoners is wrong, pure and simple, and when it has happened to US prisoners we have (rightfully so) thrown a major fit. We have no right to then turn around and do it to others. I’d launch full-scale investigations up and down the chain of command and anyone found ordering or sanctioning such behavior would be facing criminal prosecution. I’d also immediately move forward with hearings for each and every prisoner in Guantanamo Bay to determine whether we have a reason at all for continuing their detentions. Those found without any useful information or involvement in terrorist activities would be returned to their families posthaste. I’d fire Don Rumsfeld and John Ashcroft immediately. Rumsfeld would have to go because of his involvement in the whole torturing thing. Sorry, but it happened on your watch, bud, and authority comes with responsibility attached. It’s time to pay the piper. I’d fire Ashcroft so fast the windows in his office would blow out from the sonic boom of the pink slip flying into his office and hitting him square in the chest. The man is scary, pure and simple, and he has no business spreading his paranoia and his fascist policies in our government.

I’d immediately repeal the Patriot Act. There’s absolutely nothing “patriotic” about it, and even the name it bears disgusts me. While I agree that the government needs to root out and destroy terrorism internally, I vehemently disagree with our civil rights being eroded in order to accomplish it. John Ashcroft and George W. Bush have done more to erode and destroy the basic tenets of our American society than the terrorists of 9/11.

I’d immediately move forward on establishing full Iraqi sovereignty, as well as establishing and instituting a plan for rapid withdrawal of American troops from Iraq. They absolutely cannot move forward and become a functioning and reasonably whole member of the international community as long as we continue to occupy them, even under the guise of “reconstruction.” I’d work with the Iraqi government and American businesses to contract for reconstruction help, after all we broke it and we should fix it. Our soldiers don’t need to continue to shed their blood every day over there, though. Let them run their own country, that’s the premise we went in under and that’s the reality we should institute. I’d take all the forces I pulled out of Iraq and put them to work rooting out Osama Bin-Laden. I’d hunt him on the ground, in the air, on the water, in the caves, in the deserts and anywhere else necessary in order to run that viper to ground and destroy him. Bin-Laden was the mastermind behind 9/11, not Hussein. Bin-Laden needs to be brought to justice and his Al-Qaida network destroyed. Why is this man still alive? Why is Hussein in custody yet Bin-Laden is still free to devise more plans to wreak havoc on us?

Back at home, I’d dropkick all this crap about amending the constitution to ban gay marriages. Our constitution is an instrument carefully crafted and designed to grant and ensure rights, not to take them away or limit them. All these moves to add a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriages are just simply moves to turn the constitution into a tool of discrimination and go against the fundamental nature of this most basic document. I’d leave it up to the individual states to decide what was right for their citizens in this regard.

Those are just some of the top issues I’d work at addressing if I were President. Most of the issues I’d work to advance would center around reestablishing pride in ourselves, dignity in the way we treat our own populace as well as other countries, and basic fairness. I think we’ve gotten on the wrong track in the last few years and we need a good stiff smack upside the head to get us going in the right direction again. Most of all, we need to address this pervasive paranoia, malaise and downright rudeness that seems to have permeated our national character. Any burgeoning politicians out there, feel free to steal this platform for your own… I’m not crazy enough to actually want the job for myself.

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